Here’s the direct feedback from my instructor. I have since taken my paper through the paid version of Grammarly so I think I solved most of the grammatical errors. I’m having trouble solving everything else in her email below.
Thanks for working on your revisions. However, your paper still does not meet expectations. The good news is that since you submitted your paper prior to the end of our class, you can request an incomplete to revise this paper as well as your research paper. Note that this will be your final opportunity to revise the both papers. If either does not meet expectations at that point, you will need to repeat PRO 600.
There are three reasons the paper doesn’t meet expectations:
First, you must apply and cite theoretical concepts from the required readings. Please go back into the official directions for Project 5 and click on the blue hyperlinks in the official directions to access the articles with the relevant theoretical concepts. (I also included a link and an attachment in the Week 7 “Announcements” from May 13.)
Second, there are a number of problems with APA formatting. Please refer to the sample paper I provided as well as the other APA resources mentioned earlier in the coruse.
Third, there were quite a few grammatical mistakes. Please proofread more carefully. I also recommend you download the Grammarly app. It also helps to read your paper aloud.
And please make the changes I expressly mention in my feedback.
Again on this draft, the paraphrasing is not ideal, and the paper still has an abrupt beginning. (You should discuss safety or ethics in general terms before mentioning the case.) While I’d like to see improvements in these areas, it might be best to focus on the other two issues I mentioned to ensure there are no new grammatical mistakes introduced into the paper.
While I recognize that you do have a reference list (which should have the heading “References,” rather than “Resources”), you need to cite everything on the list in the paper. If you didn’t use these items, then remove them from the list. And you need to follow APA style in presenting the information.
I also recognize that you cited Facione (2015) and Enserink, Hermans & Kwakkel (2010) in the first paragraph. (And note that you need an ampersand between the final two names in the citation.) But where is the discussion of the concepts from their articles? And where is the application of these concepts to the situation? I appreciate that you used your reasoning to discuss the case, and you did well in doing so. But you must also discuss the concepts from the required readings and apply the concepts to the case. Otherwise, the paper won’t meet expectations.
Later in the paper, you mentioned an interesting fact from the Bureau of Labor Statistics – that “at least one hundred and fifty thousand [150,000] accidents occur each year in the construction trade.” This fact needs to have an immediate citation. And the information on the reference list from the BLS was not presented correctly. For some reason, you attempted to cite their logo. And none of this information should have been written in ALL CAPS.
Similarly, in the paragraph prior to your conclusions, you mention OSHA. Is this something you wish to cite?
Again, please refer to this website regarding what to include in a reference list entry:
As I mentioned, there were a number of grammatical mistakes in the paper. As I pointed out last time, the information about the case should be presented in past tense since it has already taken place. Please read through the entire paper and make sure you use past tense whenever you discuss something that has already taken place.
There is a quote in what is now the second paragraph that is problematic. Previously you didn’t tell us where this quote came from. But now you are saying that it comes from an “unnamed source.” That’s fine, but you should keep the quotation marks around the words that are quoted. If you want to “paraphrase some of it” and “quote some of it” – like I’m showing here – that’s fine, but be sure to put quotation marks around the words that you are quoting.
Be sure to use subjunctive mood when you have an “if” statement: “If that wasn’t [weren’t] enough …”
Again, this passage was incorrect in both drafts. Please make this change. If you do not understand what I’m asking you to do, please refer to the website. If you still do not understand, please send me an e-mail for clarification.
This sentence needs to be written with parallel structure: “Instead, the organization highlights the need to continue current production schedule, the need to meet current orders, and dismiss employees’ concerns around a flawed engineering process.”
Here is a link regarding parallel structure:
This sentence needs commas in the right places: So naturally, the organization that sold this process is not just a seller[,] but at this point, they’re more like a partner, and most partners want to do whatever it takes to “make it right.”
I appreciate that you did add a comma in that sentence, but you also need to add one after “seller.” And the word “naturally” should be removed because you are not discussing a natural (or biological) process.
The term “hands on deck” should not be hyphenated in any way.
In general, you should write out numbers below 10 (as in “at least 150,000 accidents” rather than “at least one hundred and fifty thousand accidents”).
As I mentioned last time, the following words should not be capitalized routinely: manager, safety officer, engineer.
As I mentioned last time, please do not use an archaic word like “amongst”; instead, simply say “among.”
There were a number of mistakes with APA formatting. For example, there should not be extra lines of space prior to the beginning of the paper, nor should there be extra lines of space prior to your “References” (rather than “Resources”) page.
The heading should be “References” rather than “Resources.” The items on the reference list need to be presented in the “hanging indent” style. The information should be double-spaced, and there should not be an extra line of space between items.
Only list the items you cite in your paper, but be sure you do cite all of the information that come from your sources. (And be sure you are applying the theoretical concepts from the required readings.) In other words, do not have “extra” items on the list that you didn’t use, and don’t forget to cite everything you used in the paper.
You should only capitalize the first word on a title on reference list.
An author’s name, such as Facione should be the first thing you mention on a reference list entry.
Information on the reference list should not written in ALL CAPS.
And I noticed that you did not actually cite the Department of Labor in the paper. And why would you cite a logo? (That’s what your reference list entry says.)
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