Thesis: Linguistic disparity functions as the dividing sector of social hierarchy
Main clain1: People are limited access to social privileges and are interiorized due to the languages they speak
Main claim 2: Literacy dynamic indicates individuals’ social and political authorities
I have trouble writing the introduction and conclusion of my essay.
The theme is that language discrimination, not only in college writing.
I got some wrong points from my writing tutor, but I do not know what I should do anymore.
1. In your fifth paragraph, the reader is wondering what the connection is between the discussion of basketball players or a basketball team and your thesis statement focusing on language. I think you are using that paragraph as an illustration to compare the two forms of discrimination. If that is true, the reader is looking for you to mention this concept and introduce that in a topic sentence of that paragraph. Maybe even consider mentioning that comparison in your thesis statement. I am saying this because your fifth paragraph seems a bit out of place or has a lack of connection with your other paragraphs. Think about adding a topic sentence to that paragraph and/or mentioning it in your thesis statement so the reader follows your essay and the flow is smoother.
2. In your introduction, you have a quotation from a source that would be stronger in the supporting paragraphs of your paper. The purpose of the introduction is for the reader to read your own words of background knowledge to prepare us for your topic. We want to know more from you in your own words, generally, before you discuss more specific, focused discussion and details in your essay. Think about using the quotation in the supporting paragraphs in your essay to add strength to connect to your thesis statement. I have included a link to a handout focusing on writing introductions. It is below. This will help you strengthen your introduction without using quotations or sources.
3. Read the sentences and your body paragraphs out loud and you will catch some sentences where you are repeating ideas that you have mentioned in other paragraphs. I have noted one repeated idea in your conclusion which you have said a few times in your supporting paragraphs. Reducing the number of repetitions will help you be more concise in your special theme.
This is my tutor’s recommendation.
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